Life has given me enough "lemons" to keep generations of elementary school "hustlers" in business comfortably 😣
Case in point; I have been MIA for the past 5-ish years and I finally have something to write about, unfortunately.
I initially was going to try to reach back into my "mental archives" to recall anything noteworthy in the last 5-ish years of my internet absence, but there is nothing that would top my current reality.
Also, I had promised a colleague that I would start a blog (decided to just revive this one) for him as apparently he finds my life stories a great source of entertainment.
That I am... Entertaining. Just ask me.
At some point, I will resume my regularly scheduled sarcasm, but probably not anytime soon.
Right now, I am dealing with the impending death of a parent; my mother.
She had been diagnosed with a very advanced Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer that apparently went undetected for years. It spread to her bones, and by the time I found her (she was damn near dead), called 911, and got the life changing news, I would only have a few months left with her.
Most people would liken this experience/event with the "rug being pulled out from under them"... I personally feel this is more like getting a giant wedgie from the Universe... repeatedly.
And that fucking elastic band on your underwear just wont rip!
Leaving me in a constant puddle of tears.
I haven't cried so much and so hard ever in my life, and this is just the beginning. She is still alive, barely.... on 2.5mg of Morphine and Ativan every 4 hours to help her manage the pain of the cancer that is literally eating her alive.
I have cherished the last few months with her while she was conscious (albeit not ALL of the time she was nice to me), but it just isn't enough. I would give almost anything to have just 1 more coherent conversation with her, I would tell her how much I love her and apologize for not being the ideal daughter she so badly wanted (I wasn't the easiest kid to raise. And rebelled like no other at times).
I am glad that she did tell me 2 weeks ago what she wanted me to do when she passed, so I will do everything to fulfill her wishes for her cremains to be mixed with my dad's (he passed before her), and scattered in the place where she and my dad went camping early in their relationship; when they really fell in love with one another.
I was told to look for Blue and Yellow flowers, that is where they want to be... OK, you got it.
A good friend of mine suggested mixing their ashes with wildflower seeds so that each year the flowers will bloom in their honor and it leaves something beautiful behind.
My mom's favorite flowers are lilacs, so I made sure that I got some of those as well.
The Wildflower Mix I chose is aimed at attracting & feeding Hummingbirds and Butterflies; my Grandmother's favorites and my mom was very close to her, so this was a way of honoring her too.
Time, and this disease are thieves. Simply put.
I cannot tell you how angry, hurt, and outraged I am that not only my mom has to deal with cancer ravaging her body, but that Im being robbed of time I feel that both of us should have had with one another...
I will pen all the details in another post as I am just too tired (this is a constant in my life) to write it all out at the moment.
But I will. It will be cathartic, but therapeutic. It will be needed and necessary. It will be the worst story I've ever written.
I've been reliably informed that this will be the hardest life event I will ever have to endure.
That statement alone scares me as the one person I would run to with my problems/concerns, or with anything in general, won't be there. The person I need the most. My mom.
I have taken hundreds of photos (from good to tragic, and everything in between), in the end, that is all I will have except my memories of her.
One day I will tell the story of us.
One day.
Today is not that day.
