This post brought to you by Insomnia and copious amounts of Pepto Bismol.
I don't know why I keep ingesting this stuff... it is not working :(
*hork!*
For years now I have had major issues with my battle with weight gain and food in general.
With me being sick lately, I have been revisited by an "old friend" that while I know it is very wrong to enjoy this feeling, I can't help myself.
Hello Anorexia.
The art of starvation in hopes of achieving the perfect body, to be in total control.
Blame it on my ever slowing metabolism and sluggish thyroid, but now it looks like that reverting back into my old habits is where my eating habits are headed.
I once got down to 88 lbs. because the guy I was with kept going on and on about how his ex girlfriend was only 100 pounds and tiny.
That was the start of my "hunger game". Well, I won and lost... Literally.
I have always had body image issues, and it isn't like I am disgustingly ugly - No. I am quite pleased with my looks (Thankfully) and have had no complaints in that department.
But in the body department, though no one bats an eye when I am clearly watching what I eat, working out like a beast at the gym, and pushing myself to the limit (of what I will allow others to see) That is a much different story.
I take that back... One night I was with "Scott" and he put his arm around me and looked at me asking if I was getting enough to eat.
I lied... I said Yes, but inside I was soo stinkin HAPPY to hear that. And the fact that he could feel every rib bone and shoulder bone on me. Though he never once pressured or forced me to eat.
Thank God.
I know what is going on in my body and my head right now is not right, not healthy. But it's like an old shoe that is comfortable to be in. I don't know if I can stop this ride.
I don't think I want to.
#ineverclaimedtobeperfect
No comments:
Post a Comment