Dear Mom,

 

Dear Mom,

I started on this letter to you on what would have been your 74th birthday, instead I decided to wait and finish it today: 1 month since you've been gone. 

This letter has been in my heart to write for a long time now, and I would rather have had the chance to say all of this to you while you were still alive, but as we both believe "things happen for a reason", so I have to believe that this is one of those times. 

And maybe this conversation wouldn't have been well received at that time... who knows?

I think there was just too much hurt, anger, and misunderstanding between the both of us to be able to see where the other was coming from. Though you are gone now, I just want to "tell you" some things that I couldn't do while you were alive. 

I'd like to first say that while I understand now as to why you didn't make me your Power of Attorney, it hurt me deeply that you kept your disease a secret from me for so long. You knew if I had any kind of access to your medical records, and I would have searched for any kind of indication/information that would have led me to the diagnosis that I was given for you on the night of September 16, 2023, that forever changed both of our lives.

I know you didn't want to be without Carl, and for years had been worried that you would outlive him (and you did). So, in a way, this terminal diagnosis was a blessing in disguise. You knew it would end in your death and end your loneliness & longing to be with your husband once again.

What bothered me was that you did not give me the chance to tell you that I understood why you did what you did. That I understood and accepted a LONG time ago my place in your life, always 2nd to a man. Being 2nd to Carl was not something I resented you for. Carl saved BOTH of our lives, and I will forever be grateful for him. 

I did not and will not hold a grudge against you for not getting treatment for your disease when you could & should have; I understand you wanted so badly to be with your husband, I get it. I also noticed that when the news of his passing was conveyed to you, you never shed a tear. At least not to anyone around you. You must have done your grieving in private or didn't grieve much at all because you knew it was a matter of time before you would be seeing him "on the other side."

.I wish you would have put a little more faith in me and allowed me to show you understanding and empathy, instead of doing what you do best: keep everything a damn secret. Showing me that you still do not believe I have ever grown up emotionally and mentally. If anyone has to take the blame for that, it is YOU. You were the one who raised me... and maybe on some level, you did blame yourself.

It saddens me that you could not see that I grew up to be very determined to be successful and an ambitious woman you could be proud of to call your daughter. Maybe you did, but I rarely if ever heard that from you. Praise for others came easily from you, but hardly ever for me. 

Aunt Helen helped clear up and educated me on the severe dysfunction that you and your siblings grew up with. Apparently "praise" was not something that was recognized, only faults that were acknowledged with violent punishments. It's hard to believe that Grandma never told you and your siblings that you made her happy or proud, Grandpa on the other hand... his blatant disregard of everyone's feelings or needs, that I can believe.

Mom, I want you to know that I get it now. I understand why you were the way you were. It was the result of a toxic childhood that you never truly got help for. Yes, you went to therapy in the past, but it didn't last long, and you went through a few therapists before giving up. 

I know you know that it takes WORK to heal from trauma of any sort; especially generational, but I also know that you had the tendency to avoid anything that resembled work in that regard. It was just easier to exude your authority over a child and surround yourself with people that would put up with your behaviors. It didn't go unnoticed as to how many "friends" came and went throughout your life. Especially who stayed and who left.

I'm not writing this letter out of spite; on the contrary. I'm writing it because it is therapeutic and to show that even though I kept my mouth shut most of my life when it came to you... but that I saw and understood more than you gave me credit for. Of course, I do not think that by some spiritual miracle that you would be able to see this blog on the world wide web, but that you would be able to "see" from wherever you are, what's in my heart & mind (this blog).

I also want you to know that I did what you asked of me when I first learned of your terminal cancer, and that was to see a therapist.

I was planning on doing that anyway because I was scared and afraid not knowing how I would handle dealing with the reality of your mortality, as well as I have never really been without you in my life in some capacity. In a way, you have always been my "security blanket" and now I was facing the end of having that. Facing the end of ever hearing your voice, seeing your face, spending time laughing at stupid shit I'd find on Instagram to share with you, running to you with any problem I was facing at the moment, facing The End of you. You have been the only constant in my life, so I knew this was not going to be easy for me. 

I really like my therapist a lot, and I have a long way to go to recognize, understand, forgive, and heal from my childhood that has caused and continues to plague me well into my adulthood. 

Yes, my childhood and the fucked up things that happened in it is your fault. There was no way I could have controlled any of that bullshit. And it was, absolute Bullshit. 

Do I think you could have done better? Absolutely! But you did as your parents did to you: the psychological, emotional, and physical abuse that you yourself were raised with. Was it right? No. And I believe you knew that. I also felt that in a lot of ways you were jealous and resentful of me.

Jealous because I chose a different life path that wasn't riddled with adult responsibilities at a young age, and resentful because I was a 24-hour reminder of a relationship that I believe you forced in some way. There was manipulation coming from both sides of your first marriage. I'm not blaming you 100% for everything that went wrong there... but you willingly married a man who had repeatedly told you he did not want children when you knew you did and married him anyway. Had a child by him anyway...

It takes 2 to create a life, so he's not off the hook either here. But this isn't about him. This is about you and I.

Yes, I blamed you for cheating me out of a 2-parent family unit as I sooo badly wanted a father like all my other friends had, as well as a sibling because I was extremely lonely. I don't know how you couldn't have seen that?? We moved 28 times from the time I was born until my sophomore year in high school. That is TOO DAMN MUCH! It messed with my education and social group(s) BAD.

So much so, that instead of taking responsibility for me struggling in school as a result of almost constantly changing the school/district I was put in, you convinced me that I was dumb and had a "learning disability." I grew up believing that crap when the real issue was you not being able to stay in 1 spot for more than 5 minutes. I think this was the cruelest stunt you pulled on me, and that says A LOT due to you not only being incredibly selfish, but having been described as Emotionally Unavailable, Emotionally Immature, and a Narcissistic Parent. 

Do you know how incredibly painful that is to hear about your own mom??? It CRUSHED ME.

Again, those descriptions are as a result of your own childhood experiences growing up with those exact kind of parents. I just wish you would have broken that cycle... Instead, I did. 

I don't mean for this "letter to you" as an internet ass-chewing, but letting you know how I feel and felt. It was not easy being your daughter and I wouldn't want to do it again; just know it tears me apart to admit that as I do love you to pieces. I just couldn't do this again with anyone. I believe the toxic household that you were raised in, directly caused the deaths of your eldest brother and baby sister.

Knowing that, and having been present for both of their funerals, I would have expected you to have done the exact opposite when raising your own child. There were times that I prayed to God to let me go so I could be happy. I felt more like a burden to you and those around me, than a blessing.

You had pawned me off on other family members and some friends from time to time, only to send a check to pay for my existence in their households until it was time for me to come home. I need you to know that hurt me deeply. Feeling that my own mother who tried so hard to keep me after having 6 miscarriages, doesn't want me around. I didn't know how to rectify that back then. 

Because of the conversations I've had with Aunt Helen and my cousin, it makes complete sense. In a way due to that understanding that I have now, I can forgive some. But not all. I know you knew better and still chose yourself and whatever man you were involved with at the time.

I think you thought that by having a child that you would always have someone that would unconditionally love you, and I did and still do. But you didn't factor in hurt and resentment for the way you treated me, especially when I needed you the most. 

I can thank you for the thick skin I've come to have, but I know that most of that is an unhealthy coping mechanism for which I am having to now deal with in a healthy way because I don't want to put anyone else around me through the crap I have gone through anymore.

It doesn't serve me well. It never did. I was just too stubborn and immature to see, much less admit to it.

What I can Thank You for is loving me, as much as you knew how to. 

The way you showed love wasn't so much in words or direct actions, but you made sure I had a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and on occasion, a pet to love. 

Even now after your death, you made sure that physically (for the most part) that I wouldn't want for anything. Yes, you left behind A LOT OF STUFF, but there wasn't much that I had to acquire for myself then and even now. I'm having to give away quite a bit of things that I will not or ever use. 

A fridge & freezer FULL of food, an apartment for the next 6 months to live in, a car that is paid off, a house & motorcycle that I will get 1/2 of the sale prices from, and a dog that means the world to me, is what you left to me, and I am extremely grateful for that! Thank You for it all. Even after your death, you are still "taking care of me." 

Those kinds of things were your "Love Language." I'm sure you would have preferred a different kind of "language" from me as well, I'm sorry that we couldn't have figured and worked this out between us while you were alive. Maybe in another lifetime we will get it right.

Bottom Line: I just need you to know that Yes, there were MANY things that hurt and affected me in ways that I do not believe you would have anticipated or really cared about, but that I understand some of why you did what you did, and after your death, more information keeps getting revealed. The revelations of the abuse you endured even as an adult while I was still a child, broke me. I cannot imagine what it was doing/had done to you. You didn't show much, and when you did, it was enough of a "shit show" that even Helen Keller could see and hear what was going on. 

I'm sorry that life, until Carl, had failed you so badly. I'm sorry that I wasn't the perfect daughter you always dreamed about. I tried, I really did until I just couldn't do anything right, and yet I still tore myself apart trying to make you happy and proud of me.

I know in my later years you said you didn't know why I thought that you weren't, but that was because for years you talked to me just like your parents did to you... not very nice and only pointed out everything wrong with you. I'm sorry you had to go through that. And when I say I know how you feel... I DO. 

I do miss you and listen to the few voicemails that I still have on my cell phone from you. I was going to change carriers but after finding out that if I did that, your voicemails would be gone forever, I decided to stick with my shitty cell service. 

The dog is doing OK, she's having a hard time adjusting to the "new normal", and I hope she doesn't have too hard of a time when I have to return to work. That is my main concern with her. I have and will continue to keep my promise to you to take care of her as best I can. 

She is all I have now. It's just me and her. 

I know she misses you and Carl too. I just wish I could get into her little head to tell her that everything will be OK, it will just be different. 

Thank you for leaving her for me. I couldn't do this alone I don't think... She reminds me daily of the promise made to you and Carl, as well as I have something to love and that loves me in return. 

Right now I'm operating on a "numb mode", and am still waiting for this major outburst of emotions that most people have when they lose their close family members. I was told it would set in around 2 weeks after your passing. I think instead of experiencing that "2 week meltdown", I had a consistent series of mini meltdowns over the past few months. I've been an internal, and sometimes external wreck since the night I called 911 and got your diagnosis. 

I tried my hardest to keep my emotions in check in front of you, much like you did to me when I was a kid and there was adult level turmoil you were experiencing behind closed doors, and when it got to be too much, I just let myself cry. I knew if I kept it all held in, it wouldn't be pretty when inevitably I would explode. I had to keep it together to keep my job because I knew the outlook was bleak, and that you weren't going to make it out of this alive.

I know you really wanted to try to fight the cancer for me, but I also know you couldn't wait to see Carl again. Thank you for trying for me. I know that it was sheer hell for you, and it was heart wrenching to watch you go through the nasty side effects of the chemo paired with the extreme disease advancement diligently and slowly taking your life while you are fighting to keep it. Know that I was there just about every single day, I didn't want you to be alone even if you were unconscious due to high doses of pain meds. 

Understand that I asked for the higher doses because it was evident that the original dosage was no longer effective in managing the pain. I made peace with the fact that I would never have another coherent conversation with you again; I just needed you to be free of the pain that I was warned about by your doctor. He described it as excruciating, and I didn't want that for you. I did my best, the best I could for you. I have to believe myself that it was enough. 

As much as I miss you and Carl terribly, I can finally say that I am glad that both of you are no longer suffering. I hope and pray that you have reunited with one another on the other side and are happy once again. I did as you asked and mixed your ashes together, and in the late Spring, I will scatter you both where you asked me to. I will make sure it is somewhere beautiful. 

This letter is a mixed bag of emotions, but humans are just that. Some more than others, and I am a perfect example of the "bag overfloweth." 

I assume that it will take some years to unpack all of the issues that still bother me to this day, as well as being able to accept and call what happened to me: Abuse. 

I know you didn't set out to purposely do that to me, but it's hard to hear that is exactly what happened to me by your hands. 

I need you to know that despite it all, I did and still do love you, and will always keep you and the memories of you in my heart. Both you and Carl. Thank you for giving me a father finally. You picked the best one. 

I love and miss you both.

Love your daughter,

Trisha