Dreams are funny things... Especially mine.
My subconscious must either be on a perpetual "acid trip" or Walt Disney is trying to "communicate to me from the other side, showing me his visions" because real life just doesn't play out like this.
This shit was Alice in Wonderland worthy.... 😶
In a post that I will be backdating, I will write about the passing of my mother. Right now, it's extremely difficult to put into words the experience and the feelings that followed.
So for now, I will write about the 3 weird, disturbing, and incredible dreams I have had since she has been gone.
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Before I get into these dreams of mine, I just want to preface that I am pretty crappy when it comes to "Dream Interpretation". Though I will admit, at least 2 of the 3 are pretty simple to figure out the meanings of.
Lucky for me, I do have a close friend who is very much into this and did give me some helpful insights on them.
The first dream I had of my mom, I would say was the most disturbing but had A LOT of meaning, took place 4 days before her passing.
I dreamt that she and I were in a very small car. I was in the back seat, and she was in the drivers. For some reason there was no rear-view mirror, so I could not see her face, but I could see the bald spot (from chemo) on the back of her head.
It was raining out, so my mom had rolled up the window that I had down at the time.
I have no idea as to where we were going, but as she was pulling onto the freeway, she stretched her arm to reach the same "Oh Shit Handle" that I was holding onto in the backseat. This is why I said that we were in a very small car... It would have to be very narrow for anyone to have done that, or my mother had freakishly LONG arms in my dream (totally possible) to accomplish that.
Bottom Line: We were both hanging onto the same handle (for dear life) as the centrifugal force of the car was pulling us to the left.
Nothing was out of the ordinary to me at this point, until I heard my mom make the same "moaning noise" that I heard from her for months now battling the cancer that had rendered her bedridden and in excruciating pain, and saw her head tilt to the side; no longer staring straight at the road ahead.
At this point I am panicking, smacking her right shoulder, screaming at her trying to desperately get her to wake up and stop the car.
She was not responding, and for some reason I could not fit in the space between the top of the seats of the car and the roof.... Like I said, this car was SMALL.
Then in "true Trish fashion" I found myself trying to calculate exactly how fast I would have to run and the timing in which to open the car door so that I could jump into the front seat to get control of the car before we crashed.... Emphasis on the word/action: Control
Then I noticed that we were no longer on the freeway, but now were on a city street (cars were around us but not driving near us), that is when I noticed that the car had slowed down considerably and that the road ahead, though did not have potholes, was in need of some repairs.
I woke up right after that.
I called my friend and told her all about the dream... Her assessment of it made total sense.
The rain represented Emotions (sadness, crying, of course)
The Freeway represented what was going on at the time; Her disease speeding up the end of her life span.
She said that the car we were in represented my mothers disease, the "Oh Shit Handle" that she and I both grabbed onto represented the us both trying not to lose it because we were on a "fast, rough ride".
And the fact I could not "save us both", is my Control Issue.
4 days later, she passed away. Leaving me just devastated. I still am. But that is another blog post.
Dream #2 (5 days after moms passing)
This one was a weird one... I can't make any sense of it, and I don't really care to at this point.
It was a short one, but I dreamt that I was back at the Nursing Facility in the 100 Wing (this is where the PT Patients are placed as they are not permanent residents) packing up my mothers belongings to move her to a different part of the facility.
In my dream, she was able to stand up on her own and walk (this was not seen from her since September 16, 2023). She was standing there as I was collecting her belongings, and it was evident that she was hoarding in my dream as well (this happened in real life) which caused me to confront her as if she was the child and I was the parent, telling her that she is NOT going to hoard anymore.
She did not say a word, but just smiled at me.
I woke up. A tad confused and irritated as I had to deal with the hoarding behavior even in my REM cycle.
Dream #3 *THIS ONE caused a crap ton of emotions* (7 days after moms passing)
I dreamt that I must have been "on the other side" as my mom was there, and it was as if I was in a place that I shouldn't have been. I was being taken away by an unseen force, so I reached out for her hand and she interlaced her fingers with mine, as I was crying to her to "Please don't leave me!", I heard her clear as day, in her voice, tell me in these exact words: "You don't want to be where I'm at, you won't like it here." Then said, "I've got to get this taken care of."
Not sure what any of that meant... but I heard her voice and felt her touch as if she was alive in that moment.
As scary and emotional as that one was, I am grateful for it. I got to see, hear, and touch my mom again.
The last time I did that, I saw a shell of a woman who was fighting for her life in a hospital bed.
Not the "Joan of Arc" that I grew up with.
What stood out to me the most, other than how REAL everything seemed, was the obvious "Abandonment Issue" I still carry to this day.
Needless to say, I woke up in tears. Once again, crying for my mom.
Before my mom passed, when we got her terminal diagnosis, she told me that I should seek out a professional therapist. I think she knew I would not handle this life event very well... and she was right.
Not to worry Mom... I found one, and we talk all the time. Twice a week to be exact.
I did not want to forget these REM cycles, as that is all I will have until it's my time to pass.
Until then, I will keep these dreams "alive" through this electronic outlet. I would be heartbroken if I let them slip away into nothingness.
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