Knowledge... An essential to everyone's life, but not to others.
Apparently, there was some "forbidden" to me, until just recently. Moreso, today.
Usually, one's parents or family members are the people that would share (for the most part), their deepest secrets, situations that could/would be life changing, or even just something that they wouldn't want anyone else to know. USUALLY.
It has been exactly 9 days since my mothers passing, and I am still finding out all sorts of secrets she was keeping from me.
The first was when the secretary from the Chaplain's office reached out to me to set up the Last Rites for mom before she passed. I forgot the woman's name (we will call her "Susan"), had called me to see if the Priest had gotten in touch with me to schedule for him to come perform that for my mother.
I let her know that no one had contacted me, and she reassured me that she would have them call me within the next day or 2; knowing my mother did not have much time left.
At that point "Susan" shared with me a couple of pieces of information that I was unaware of that kind of made me upset, and sad at the same time.
She let me know that she previously spoke to my mother herself, and that my mom did express wanting Last Rites performed for her. OK, not unusual... we are Catholic, and my mom knows how important this was to me, and I'm sure it was to her as she was raised in a very strict Catholic household.
The information that upset me was that, within this very conversation she had with my mom, my mother had expressed great concern for me. Concern for leaving me behind, Concern that I would not be able to survive without her. Or her help.
The reason this upset me was that for years now, and obviously currently (just before her passing), she still thought of me as a dependent child; unable to live on her own. Unable to take care of herself.
I remember a conversation that took place when I was in my 40's where she said something to the effect that she didn't know why either I couldn't do something or didn't have the energy to do it, and I reminded her that I am not in my teens or 20's anymore... I'm an old woman! lol
She said, and I will never forget this: "You will always be my little girl."
. *pause for a slight crying spell*
In the past, I will admit, I probably did not display to her what she would consider "proper adult behaviors" because she and I had very different lifestyles.
She got married at 18. I waited until I was 30.
She had a child at 22. I did not have any.
She had to grow up FAST... I did not.
I had freedoms that she never had, by her own choosing, and within that, carried some jealousy and animosity for years that was taken out on me.
There were times when YES, I DID run home to Mom and Dad for help, as almost everyone does at one point(s) in their lives or another. I guess my mom felt what I had done was excessive in her eyes, which forever labeled me as a "Dependent Child" unable to make it on her own without help from someone else.
Yep, That hurt.
This was further compounded by a conversation that took place less than an hour ago between my BFF from High School who is by all life experience accounts, my Sister. Also, happened to be the person who stepped up to the plate at the 11th hour to be my mom's Power of Attorney. *we will get into that later in another blog post*
Not going to Dox anyone here other than myself and my mom; just FYI.
I got a call from my sister informing me about the processes in which I will be having to deal with in the very soon future and what to expect. At one point we had a conversation, while mom was still alive, that there was something that she would tell me but only after mom had passed. It was something that mom had told her in confidence, so I got to find out what that was about today.
It was everything I suspected, and my nightmare all at once:
My mother KNEW she had Cancer. It had been previously diagnosed and she chose NOT to tell me, or anyone.
She did not disclose to my sister when she first found out, but that it had been a diagnosis she received "a while ago."
She said that mom didn't want to tell me for fear that it would upset me. And I remembered in that moment, a weird conversation that my mom had with me months before she went into the hospital, and that was that she wanted to look into "The Death With Dignity Act". At that moment, I looked at her with a very concerned look on my face and asked her if there was something she wasn't telling me?...
I told her that it is not just something you can just go into your doctor's office requesting, there are major laws and specific Terminal Health Criteria that you 100% have to fit into or it is not an option.
That conversation was dropped by her almost immediately when she figured out I knew more than she thought I did. Never in a million years would I ever think my own mother would keep a terminal diagnosis, yet let alone, a highly preventable/treatable form of Cancer from me, but HERE WE ARE.
My sister then goes onto tell me that my mom was concerned about leaving me behind... Once again, she is telling everyone but me, that she is worried that I won't make it on my own, alone.
She made my sister promise to have certain things in place for me when my mom passes, and to make sure that I'm not going to be found hanging from the rafters somewhere because of my "inability to Adult."
Gee thanks Mom... even after she has been gone, I am reminded that she had no faith in me.
I don't know which is worse... the sting of knowing my mom didn't believe I can function beyond a 9-year-old child, or had 0 confidence in me as a full-fledged adult.
I'm well aware that all of this, and many more things that are yet to come, will take time to "get over".
I did what my mom asked and that was to seek the help of a therapist to deal with what she knew or had anticipated the road ahead that I would be taking alone. I would no longer have the "help" or presence of my mom that I have had for the last 50 years of my life.
I'm also well aware that that statement alone sounds pathetic, so I guess in some ways I will always be "her little girl."
She and I have never been able to deal with "loss" very well.
I have abandonment issues brought on by the absence and inconsistencies of my birth father, and my mom passing me off to family and friends who would take me in when either motherhood got to be too much of a burden, or whichever man was in her life felt I was "baggage".
Her issues I believe stemmed from growing up in an abusive (physical, verbal, emotional) and toxic household. As well as 2 siblings that she was very close to and attached to, ended their lives by their own hands, leaving my mom behind.
She never recovered from those suicides, and I don't think I would have either.
It will take time, patience, and more than likely years of therapy to deal & heal from all of this... Maybe then, I will finally make my mom proud of me.
But most of all, make me proud of me; completely.
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