Hope Floats

 

"Hope Floats" happened to be on tv today, and it was one of the movies that my mom and I both really enjoyed watching. 

I didn't realize at how much my own life has drawn some parallels with it. Oddly enough.

My husband, while he didn't leave me, did cheat on me which forced my hand in filing for divorce. I was filing for one before that information was known to me anyway, this just tipped the scale. That was a relationship that should have never been. Again, more on that later. 

When this movie came out on DVD, I remember watching it with my mom and there is this scene that I will never forget her telling me, that it reminded her of me when my birth father would come around.

 I don't remember much of "the donor" in my life, but I guess when he did come around, I was beyond excited and evidently wanting to either spend as much time with him as I could, or maybe I wanted to go live with him. I'm not sure. But when my mom shared with me that there would be times where he would call and promise to pick me up from my mom's house and take me for the weekend, I would have my little suitcase packed and would be sitting by the window waiting for him to come get me.

I just knew that any minute he would be pulling up into the driveway. Any minute.

My mom knew better. Apparently, this was a consistent pattern for him to make promises and not keep them. For him to make plans and then ghost; before "ghosting" was defined. Such a trailblazer 👎

I guess when "the donor" would actually show up, he was met by a very angry & frustrated mother (mine) and she would unleash an all-out verbal assault on him citing how much of a "dead beat dad" he was and how much damage he was doing to me.

As this is all happening, I am in my room crying and carrying on. I evidently was very upset at my mom for yelling at "the donor" because that would inevitably cause him to go away, not to come back once again. 

My mom told me that when he heard me screaming and crying in my bedroom, that he told her that he would have no problem disciplining me to get me to stop and shut up.

THAT right there put my mom into a tailspin, and she booted him out of our house and pretty much out of our lives. Until my 19th birthday. Again, this will be covered later on. 

The simple act of him leaving, caused a scene similar to the one in the movie. 

Hearing that broke my heart and at the same time made so much sense to me as an adult.

Both parents did a number on me; trying to overcome and heal from this later in life is another special challenge. One I wouldn't mind skipping out on actually.

Then the scene where "Birdie" is visiting her dad in the nursing home just got to me. It somewhat reminded me of 2 different things all at once. One that I didn't think would cross my mind this soon, much less affect me like it did right now... That was the scene where she starts dancing with him in his room.

In that moment my heart broke for the fact that I never had or will ever have that Father/Daughter dance with my dad (Carl) when I get married again (yes, I hope to again one day). He and my mom did attend my wedding, but it was anything but "traditional." AGAIN... all that in a later post.

I miss my dad something fierce. He was the best father I've ever known, and I am so very grateful for his presence in my life. I cried for a few moments mourning the loss of him and the loss of that opportunity.

And of course, the nursing home itself. The fact that my mom was in one for the last 3 months of her life, not wanting to be there, asking me daily when she could come home. It broke my heart. She needed 24 hour in home hospice care for that to happen, and I didn't have the $21,000.00 a month needed to make that a reality. I will cover this in another post. Even after a month since she's been gone, I still have a hard time talking about it. But I will. Eventually.

The scene where she loses her mom. I don't need to elaborate about that. Hits too close to home.

As sad as this sounds, I got "jealous" of the fact that "Birdie" had something of her mother's that still smelled like her. I do not have anything left behind like that. Maybe that is a good thing. It probably would make being able to move on, that much harder for me. 

The relationship between "Birdie" and her mom certainly did not mirror that of the one my mother and I had with each other, but the pain of the loss is the same.

The Soundtrack is something that could narrate my life pretty closely. 

I would like to think that this was something "divine from above," and maybe it just might be. I just wish I could stop getting so emotional over every little thing that feels familiar to me. 

I guess this is the part of healing I have been avoiding for so long. 

Can't run forever. 

I miss you Mom & Dad. I love you both.