Stigmas

  It was shared with me the other day by a total stranger that not only did this blog serve as a source of "validation", but also that of comfort to them as they too have and are still going through some intense devastation in their own life. That they weren't alone. 

I was a tad shocked that anyone would want to read my ramblings, much less reach out to me about them. I'm glad they did.

I'm glad that they found some solace in my words and as a result, have found the strength to seek professional help for themselves. Their hesitancy and I guess with my own in the past, was the stigma of getting help. 

I think my generation and those that preceded it were expected to just tough things out. Life is hard, suck it up, move tf on already. Not realizing the dysfunctional behaviors, thought patterns, and expectations of ourselves and others, are just that indeed: Dysfunctional.

For me personally, I just ripped the band aid off and openly admit to anyone now that I am getting help for myself. I had to. I was facing and going through some major life events that I was not prepared for physically and emotionally. I was sincerely afraid that as a result of losing both of my folks within a very short time of one another, I didn't know how I was going to handle it all. 

I was afraid of losing everything I worked so hard for by losing myself. By potentially allowing myself to hide myself away from the world and internalizing everything to the point of insanity.

I have for decades, kept most things to myself. I was punished verbally and emotionally for expressing what I was going through, how it was making me feel, and how I needed some sort of support. I grew up thinking this kind of treatment or retaliation was NORMAL. No, it was abusive. It was my parents way of dealing with situations they too could not deal with. Dismissing my pain and chastising me for it was their way of doing that. 

In return, this is what I have done to myself and to others. For that I am truly sorry. I can't take things back, I can only move forward knowing better. I have beat myself up pretty badly trying to serve some internal karma which doesn't work. 

I've had bosses over the years tell me that they wouldn't give me any constructive criticism as they have never seen someone so hard on themselves as I was. Basically I "scared them into submission."

I didn't know how to take that then... I do now. I'm grateful for the feedback and for their grace in knowing that I was fragile, not like a flower. Like a bomb. Honestly, looking back at all of that I can say I am a tad embarrassed at myself, but it was all I knew at the time. 

What isn't talked about enough is how freakin HARD it is to forgive oneself.

I still hold myself to these ridiculous standards that practically no human can live up to (this is a generational behavior brought on by my grandfather and passed down to his own kids; 2 of which took their own lives because they could not live up to his expectations, and 2 ran away from home constantly as a result as well). 

As I have stated before somewhere in this blog, it is therapeutic for me to be able to write out all my thoughts, frustrations, failures, as well as victories. I knew that it being out on the internet, people were going to read it. I didn't set out for it to be a "Self Help guide" or "How To", I wanted to get what I have been holding in for so long, OUT. I didn't care in what format that came in.

I sincerely hope that people find the strength to seek help if they need it and not give into societal stigmas to avoid ridicule. You have no idea of the disservice you are doing to yourself or someone that is struggling. 

Personally I believe every single one of us here on earth needs therapy. 

If you don't, I have 3 requests of you:

1) Walk on water without getting your feet wet

2) Turn water into wine

3) Perform 3 miracles spontaneously in front of me on the spot. 

Maybe then I will give you a "hall pass" on this. Until then, I said what I said.

Once again, I'm glad and grateful to have been a source of validation for the stranger that contacted me online. 

I'm glad I could help.