Coming up for air

 

The last few days has been an exercise in pretending that everything is fine on the outside, while housing an inner storm on the inside. I really don't want to make those around me uncomfortable, but I have actively avoided my usual amount of social interaction considerably since the death of my mother.

I get the "grieving process" can be lengthy and I'm totally not here for it... I liken the last 7 days to "being held under for 3." 

For those that are unfamiliar, that is a surf term. Being held under for 3 means being held under the ocean water for 3 sets of waves. If you have ever experienced that, you know what true panic feels like.

Just when you think it's safe or you are able to surface, BAM! Another wave hits you and pushes you back under. Depending where you surf, and how far out you go for waves, kind of determines how good of a swimmer you are and your lung capacity.

Last night, I had none. I would liken the experience to what I would imagine surfing Maverick's would be like. *I DO surf, but I'm not good enough to surf there. Like, ever*

A breaking wave can apply a pressure of between 250-6,000 pounds per square foot (1,220-29,294 kilograms per square meter), depending on its height. Maverick's average's 30 ft. waves... that is A LOT of pressure slamming down on you. And keeping you underwater.

Yes, people have died surfing there. Some being the world's BEST surfers. 

That is what this grief is feeling like to me. Wiping out off a 30ft wave and getting held under for 3.

At times I struggled to breathe, struggled just to make it through the day. Even though I have a professional to talk to twice a week, it doesn't prevent the sadness that comes in waves, just like the ocean. 

I'm happy that I recognize and have a really good support group consisting of friends and the few family members I have left, or I don't think I would have made it out of this alive. My dog also helps keep me focused on the future as she is all I have, as I, hers.

Sleep has been a scarce commodity as I am almost guaranteed a nightmare each time I close my eyes. None of them make any sense to me, and I certainly don't want to remember them, so I won't write about them. Unless they are significant to me. The only common theme they have is: Loss. 

I can't handle any more of that and I know that life in general is full of it. But I also have to remember that it is full of gains as well. 

I return to work tomorrow for the first time in months, and it's a mixed bag of emotions on that one. My only focus and concern is to make sure I don't fall apart and I do my job as I've always have. 

I know there are many folks that are excited to have me back at work that genuinely miss me, and that makes my heart feel full. I am grateful for that and those people. Grateful that I still have a job (even though it would be illegal to be fired for taking FMLA). Grateful that I didn't take the road that some of my family took that are no longer here. 

Today I didn't feel great about much of anything, but tomorrow is a new day with A LOT to get through that will not involve (I hope) continuing the grieving process. "Duck Diving" my emotions as it were.

Maybe tomorrow I'll get to catch my breath and "come up for air."