A Year of "Firsts"; a Mother's Day post

 

Dear Mom,

It's been 105 days since you have been gone, and since then I have spent 105 days without you.

I have celebrated what would have been your 74th birthday without you for the first time, and today I will be not exactly "celebrating" but more like observing "Mother's Day" in your memory... again, without you here. 

Everywhere I have gone in the last week or so, there have been obvious reminders of this impending day. It feels weird and empty without you, but I have to keep reminding myself that even if you were still here, you wouldn't be happy. You would still be fighting the pain and disability that your cancer had left you in. 

If that wasn't the case, you would still be without Carl... the love of your life. 

As much as it hurts, I can comfortably say now that while I do miss you, Carl as well, I am glad that you are now both together even if that means neither of you are here on earth anymore.

I walked into Safeway for my requisite Ghost Green Apple Energy Drinks, I was bombarded with hundreds of floral arrangements, stuffed animals, greeting cards, and balloons to remind everyone not to forget Mother's Day. 

Initially I thought that I would need to "brace myself for impact" emotionally, but I surprised myself by not really feeling anything that would reduce me to tears at that moment. Maybe it was the fact that I was in public, and I'd rather chew off my own arm as if it was in a Bear Trap than to have an emotional breakdown in front of people. 

Either way, I felt the urge to snap a few photos as I knew I was going to need to write about this today. Needed to be "on theme."

Mom, I want to hear your story

Over the past couple of days of course there have been all sorts of Mother's Day or Mom-centric advertisements online that I have seen, but nothing that really caught my attention like the journal/story book: "Mom, I want to hear your story"

I wish I would have found this much earlier... I would have asked you to fill it out for me as I know there are so many aspects to your life that I would have loved to have heard about from YOU, not a friend or family member. 

Then I thought about that and came to the conclusion that I don't know how open to that you would have been. You hid a fatal diagnosis from me for years, what made me think you would pen the truth in those pages? It's OK. I truly believe that if I was meant to have that book, it would have happened.

Just know, I would have loved and cherished every page written in it. 

I cling to the poems and letters you have written to Carl, and I'm OK with that. I wished I kept the birthday cards to me... I hope somewhere in my storage unit, I might find 1 one day. 

Link to Card on Etsy

As I was cruising my favorite online shopping portal, I came across this card. The listing title stopped me in my tracks, and 3 days later it appeared in the mailbox.

It's listed as "wedding day without mom | birthday without mom | sympathy | thinking of you card | card for friend loss of mom"

That immediately got me thinking... there will be another "first" that you won't be a part of.. my wedding. Not that I'm getting married at the moment, but neither you or Carl will be there in the physical sense. Now THAT got the tears going.

But the phrase "your mom would be so proud of you" was what meant most to me. Because that is all I have ever wanted from you. Was to make you proud of me; something I have rarely if ever felt.

I realize now through therapy and research into the family dynamics, that you didn't grow up experiencing that yourself so how could you give that to anyone else??

I love you Mom, and I am in the process of learning to forgive you. I forgive you for that. 

But most of all, I love you.