Nightmares & Dreamscapes

 

REM Cycles are funny things... at least in my world in the past few nights.

Almost nightly I had experienced a mixture of "normal" dreams and 1 that was sort of a nightmare. I will explain that one in a minute.

Even though my mom and I did not have what I would consider a happy Mother/Daughter relationship, I still love and miss her. My dreams have proven that. 

I was pretty surprised that I had 2 dreams almost back-to-back that had her in them, but the real surprise was seeing my aunt! I had dreamt about my aunt Charlotte many many years ago, she appeared in my dream as a waitress on roller skates in a red curly haired wig, and some crazy make up. Somehow, I knew it was her but sadly I didn't pay much attention to her. I could kick my own ass for that one.

My aunt Charlotte committed suicide in the 90's. She was one of my favorite family members, and definitely my favorite aunt. My mom and her were very close, her death rocked the family something fierce.

I will never forget the look on my grandmother's face when she was looking down at her youngest daughter in a coffin. This wasn't the first child of hers that she had to bury; thankfully it was the last.

I hold very fond memories of my aunt Charlotte and always will. I wish she was still here. Especially now. 

OK, getting back to the original subject of this post: my dreams.

I usually fall asleep watching/listening to various YouTube videos, and apparently the one I was listening to, I ended up dreaming about in the strangest way.

In this dream I ended up at this YouTuber's boyfriend's family's house where his brother and mother still resided. It was "present day" but they still had a Christmas Tree up and there was 1 present still under it.

I don't know why I looked in that direction, but noticed that the gift had a large envelope attached to the top of it and it was my mothers handwriting. Immediately the gift was handed to me by one of the brothers and I kept asking "Was she here?!?! Do you know this is MY Mom's handwriting?!?!?"

I remember being very confused and upset that I missed seeing my mother and wanted to know when & why she was there?... I was pointed in the direction to go down a hall to the mother's room and ask these pertinent questions. I showed her the envelope and she confirmed that Yes, my mom was there and she left me a gift.

In real life, Yes, my mom was alive during Christmas, but was mainly unconscious due to high dose pain meds that kept her pain under control. She did say earlier that year that we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas and made it seem like it was due to finances (which didn't bother me), not to what she knew was coming and had hid from everyone: her terminal Cancer.

In my dream I didn't open the gift, so I never knew what was inside that box, and I didn't open the card, so I never knew what it said. Somehow, I instinctively knew what was written was everything my mom wanted to say to me before she passed away. Somehow, I knew it was filled with apologies, explanations, and most of all: love for me.

It's weird how that knowing that in my dream, it means so much. I just wish I could have heard all of that before she passed. Maybe the dream was the "gift", and the wrapped box was a symbol of that. 

The next dream was a short one, and a real doozy!

This is where I had a second dream about my aunt Charlotte. This time she really knew how to get my attention... in my dream, she owned a horse.

Slight Backstory on this: as a child (and now) Horses have always been a deep love & obsession of mine. I begged my mom for one ever since I could remember, and instead of buying my first car, I bought a horse instead at 15. I've owned horses ever since. 

My aunt told my mom that she thought my mom needed to take me to see a doctor because the obsession with horses was seemingly unnatural to her and my aunt thought there was something mentally wrong with anyone who had such an attachment to any 1 thing. LOL if she only knew

Anyway, in my dream my aunt showed up as herself and she OWNED A HORSE.

Not just any horse, but one that is related to my current horse (expensive Championship show lines), but a stallion. 

OK... that's where I kind of lost my shit in my own dream. I was excited and shocked as hell that my aunt has a horse, BUT unless you are a breeder, there is NO NEED to own a stallion for any reason. 

Then she also had it at a training barn that I used to be at, with a trainer who was a good friend of mine.

The confusing part is that my aunt's stallion is a Western Pleasure bred horse, and this trainer trains Reining horses... 2 different disciplines. 

It was a short dream, like I said, but it was exciting and amusing at the same time.

Maybe this was my aunt's way to let me know "she's still there watching over me." Horses or no horses.

This last most recent dream was more like a nightmare of sorts but to a lessened degree.

True Story: When I was around 6-7 years of age, I had a Husband/Wife babysitting team that I went to after school while my mom was at work. 

Mavis & Gomez. 

They had a granddaughter named Amy who wasn't very nice to me, she was spoiled rotten, and used to bite me all the time. 

I think I know why she was always so angry and mean. It had to be as a result of the crap that she had to go through at that house. I'm sure there were things I never knew about, and really don't want to as a result of what I experienced myself there.

In real life, Gomez was a disgusting pedophile. I think Mavis knew this and that was why she kept Amy away from him as much as she could. 

I was fair game. 

Long story short, Gomez inappropriately touched me, and it freaked me out. I knew well enough what he did was WRONG, but as any fucked-up adult in his situation does, threatened to hurt me if I told on him. So, for years, I kept my mouth shut. 

It didn't go unnoticed that I would religiously avoid ALL men who wanted to touch me in any way (hugs, handshakes, etc) and it finally came out in a counselling session as to what happened so many years ago. My mother was mortified, pissed off, and called her ex (whom she was with at the time of the incident, and it was HIS recommendation to have that couple babysit me in the first place). 

He was absolutely floored and found out later that Gomez died on the kitchen floor of that house from a heart attack. Good Riddance!

Though I always wondered what happened to Amy and how she coped with the dysfunction she experienced.

Back to the dream. 

In my dream I was transported back to Mavis & Gomez's House of Horrors.

It was updated and redecorated, but it was still the same house. 

In my dream, my dog was with me as well. I guess she was there as a source of "comfort", and I was glad she appeared. The living room was the place where Gomez did his dirty deed, and there was a yellow couch that he was always found lying on watching the TV at the other end of the room. 

In my dream, there was no one home and I knew that by now, Mavis had passed on years before, so neither of them would be present there. It seemed that my dog and I were the only ones in that house. 

I don't know WHY I was there, though I do have a penchant for nostalgia. However, I could not imagine EVER wanting to remember anything that had to do with that time in my life, that house, and the people in them. But apparently in my dream, I was there for a reason.

What I found weird but not out of the ordinary, was that I pulled a camera out of my pocket to take photos of the place. I stood at the other end of the room where the TV would have been, to take a photo of the couch where I was violated by another man as a child. 

As I tried to take a photo of the "crime scene", I noticed that no matter how hard I tried, the camera would not focus.

I knew that it was "Gomez" that was blocking my shot. His unseen spirit was trying to cover up the photo of the place where he acted out his past indiscretions.

That was when I got super angry and told him to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY

I don't remember ever getting that pissed off in any dream, but Damn... I had it built up and he had it coming. If I ever saw him alive in real life as an adult, I probably would have beat the shit out of him. 

Epstein would have loved a man like Gomez. If that gives you any kind of indication of what he was like.

Anyway, after the failed attempt at photographing the couch in the living room, I started walking through the house to see what the rest of the rooms looked like.

I got to Mavis's old room and saw that there was indeed another person sleeping on the bed and the room was an absolute mess! Clothes basically flung everywhere, and the person was a female and face down asleep. I don't know who that was, but it was not Mavis or Amy. 

About that time was when I woke up, so I did not have time to find out who she was or see the rest of the house. That's OK... I really didn't want to be in that house anymore. Waking up was a blessing.

I hope to never dream about that house, or those people ever again. However, it was nice to know and "see" that I could incite a fit of rage if needed in a REM cycle.

The last dream I had with my mom in it, was unfortunately another short one. 

We were in a car where I was driving, and we were coming up to a toll booth (not sure where we were going or why there was a toll booth). I remember looking at her and telling her that I wished that God would allow me to still see and talk to her even though she was dead. Basically, having the ability to see/hear/conversate with her even if those around me could not see & hear what I do.

Mom was eating something from a Drive Thru so she couldn't speak but did smile at me, acknowledging me and what I had said. 

I woke up before we went through the toll booth, or before she could verbally say anything. 

I was happy to have seen and "spend time with her" again, but sad that I didn't get any direct communication from her. 

I'm grateful for what I am getting in my dreams from her and the rest of my family... but I will always want more.