Because apparently, being old enough to know better doesn't mean people actually DO.
At 52, I've discovered that emotional maturity and chronological age have remarkably little in common.
Some people spend their lives learning, growing, and examining their behavior. Others spend decades perfecting the same dysfunctional habits while remaining genuinely perplexed when their relationships implode.
Apparently, self-awareness isn't included with the "senior discount".
I've certainly had my own emotional baggage. Growing up in an unstable and toxic household, being ASD-1, having ADHD, CPTSD, and navigating relationships with significant anxiety wasn't exactly a recipe for effortless emotional stability.
20 years ago, an unanswered telephone call could send my imagination into a full-scale criminal investigation.
Fortunately, therapy, self-reflection, and life experience helped me recognize that feelings aren't always facts.
Menopause has also contributed by apparently eliminating whatever tolerance for nonsense I had remaining. An unexpected benefit, considering the rest of the experience has hardly been a luxury spa retreat. That's a story for a different day 😑
I'm not perfect. But I've changed considerably, and I can acknowledge when I've behaved badly.
Which brings me to a fascinating question: Why is accountability apparently so terrifying to some adults?
When Emotional Baggage Becomes Everyone Else's Problem
Our childhood experiences and past relationships influence how we perceive people.
Someone who experienced betrayal may become guarded. Someone who fears abandonment may interpret distance as rejection. Someone who grew up managing other people's emotions may associate relationships with overwhelming responsibility.
Psychology gives us terms such as attachment insecurity, experiential avoidance, and confirmation bias to help explain these patterns.
Useful concepts. Not diplomatic immunity.
Understanding why someone behaves a certain way doesn't mean accepting the behavior indefinitely.
I've known someone who increasingly preferred solitude and the company of animals to human relationships.
As an animal lover, I understand completely. Animals are wonderful, and most have better conflict-resolution skills than adults.
But there's a difference between enjoying independence and avoiding every conversation that might require vulnerability or accountability. Emotional walls may protect us from disappointment, but they can also keep out people who never intended to hurt us.
And sometimes we're so busy protecting ourselves from the past that we fail to recognize the person standing in front of us today.
Please Stop Treating Me Like It's 2006
Approximately 20 years ago, I was a considerably more anxious person. Self Esteem exited the building as I was just fresh off of a much needed divorce and was an absolute MESS!
I needed reassurance, sometimes interpreted distance as rejection, and hadn't yet developed the independence I enjoy today.
But people change.
Therapy, personal losses, careers, experience, and the occasional emotional catastrophe have a way of doing that.
When I considered renting a separate living space from someone I'd known for decades, my intentions were remarkably uncomplicated.
I wanted a home. A place where my newly inherited dog and I could safely live until I could secure a place for us on my own. (I trashed my credit and spent every dime I had to take care of 2 elderly parents that were dying. 1 of massive organ failure, and the other of a Stage 4 Cancer diagnosis that she hid from us all)
I wasn't looking for an emotional caretaker, or someone to supervise my existence.
I later learned that he reportedly had concerns about feeling responsible for me or having his privacy invaded. Which was ironic, considering I was equally concerned about protecting my own privacy.
Apparently, we were both worried about the same staircase.
He was entitled to decline the arrangement, and I respected his decision.
But psychology describes something called schemas: the mental frameworks we develop about people based on previous experiences. Sometimes those frameworks become outdated.
And I'd appreciate not having my entire adult personality permanently archived in 2006.
When Friendship Becomes an Unauthorized Intelligence Operation
Somewhat recently, I was hospitalized for a serious medical condition.
Naturally, I wasn't answering every telephone call. After a day of not charging my phone, it naturally died, therefore not receiving anyone's calls.
I realize this is shocking, but receiving medical treatment occasionally takes precedence over social obligations. Someone I considered a friend/family decided to contact a person from my longstanding romantic history without my knowledge or permission.
Here's what made that decision particularly peculiar:
She knew my cousin and another close friend. She'd met them both in person and could contact them through social media; just as she did my ex. Instead, she chose someone she'd never met face-to-face and had spoken to only once, during a three-way call I'd arranged so he could offer advice about a union-related workplace issue.
Naturally, when concerned about someone's hospitalization, the logical choice is their former romantic partner from 20 years ago.
Apparently, contacting an actual family member would have been far too conventional.
I can't establish her motivation, but I can certainly question her judgment. Unfortunately, the situation didn't end with a simple welfare inquiry.
Information was communicated suggesting I was deliberately refusing to speak to this person because he'd declined an earlier rental request. Amongst other things...
I had never said that.
I'd simply assumed he preferred not to rent it and respected it. As a matter of fact, I assumed the reason I did not hear from him after sending him a Christmas Card and a box of presents for the holidays was his way of establishing that boundary. I took the hint. No protest. No dramatic grudge. I went about my life.
A suspicious activity, evidently.
When he received this account from my supposed "friend", he reacted angrily and told me never to contact him again.
20 years of history, damaged by information that hadn't come from me. Gone in a matter of seconds.
But what happened afterward was equally troubling.
When I confronted my friend, she insisted she'd done nothing beyond asking whether he'd heard from me. She denied any further involvement. Yet she'd seen his angry response, and the information he appeared to be reacting to went well beyond a simple inquiry. Her explanation didn't account for the discrepancy.
And this wasn't the first time I'd encountered conversations being embellished, information withheld, or events presented in ways that didn't match what I knew.
My therapist helped me recognize that contacting someone from my private life under those circumstances was a boundary violation.
Not an innocent misunderstanding. Not a charming expression of concern. A boundary violation.
When Even Text Messages Apparently Need Witness Protection
What made these experiences even more unsettling was that I'd previously been warned by others not to communicate with this individual through text messages.
I was told that written conversations had allegedly been manipulated or altered to support a preferred narrative. Honestly, it was a bit of a stretch for me to initially believe because this came from people who actively do not like this person, so I just brushed their claims off.
I cannot independently verify those allegations or whether any digital editing tools were involved. But being warned that ordinary text messages might not be represented accurately is disturbing enough.
Apparently, merely embellishing a conversation is no longer sufficiently ambitious. Now we're allegedly moving into post-production. And I have to wonder about the effort involved.
Imagine dedicating that much time and creativity to presenting a favorable version of events instead of simply telling the truth.
If only that level of dedication could be redirected toward self-reflection.
One inaccurate account might be a misunderstanding.
Repeated embellishments, secrecy, crossed boundaries, and explanations that don't reconcile with events create a much larger problem.
Trust.
And once trust becomes questionable, even ordinary communication starts feeling like evidence collection. I have enough responsibilities without needing a forensic specialist to interpret my friendships.
As a result, I have ceased all communication and contact with this person. I want none of that drama or further damage to my social life.
I watched my mom do something eerily similar to my dad; in the end he had no friends left and she had him all to herself. Even I told her that was extremely unhealthy and co-dependent. And that is exactly what this "friendship" was starting to resemble to me.
Attachment Issues Aren't a Get-Out-of-Accountability-Free Card
Attachment anxiety can involve intense fears of rejection or abandonment. An unanswered telephone call may feel deeply threatening to someone experiencing those fears.
I understand that because I've experienced attachment anxiety myself. But here's the distinction:
Feeling abandoned doesn't mean you've been abandoned. Feeling rejected doesn't mean someone has rejected you.
And feeling insecure doesn't give you permission to interfere in someone else's private relationships.
Mental health diagnoses don't automatically make people dishonest, manipulative, or untrustworthy. Those conclusions must be based on conduct, not labels.
But psychological struggles don't excuse repeated boundary violations or inaccurate communication, either. You can have compassion for someone's emotional difficulties while still holding them responsible for their choices.
It's entirely possible to understand someone's behavior and decide that the behavior is unacceptable.
A concept that really shouldn't require a graduate degree. But this was a damn Master Class in navigating Borderline Personality Disorder & Anxious Attachment Disorder (a diagnosis that my former friend shared with me. This is not something I am making up on the fly here).
20 Years, and Nobody Thought to Ask One Question??
The other side of this situation deserves attention, too.
Someone I'd known for approximately 20 years accepted a third party's interpretation of my motives without asking me whether it was accurate.
Psychology calls one possible influence confirmation bias: our tendency to favor information that supports beliefs we already hold.
If we expect someone to behave a particular way, a story that fits that expectation can seem believable even when it's wrong.
Which brings me to a revolutionary idea:
"Did you actually say that?"
5 words.
No forensic investigation. No committee hearing. No need to send me a nasty message.
Just 5 words that might have prevented a tremendous amount of unnecessary damage.
I respected his request for no contact, and I haven't attempted to override it. I have no intention in ever reaching out to him again after what he said.
But respecting someone's boundary doesn't mean agreeing with the assumptions behind it.
Two people made separate decisions.
One crossed my boundaries and offered an explanation that didn't account for the information communicated. The other accepted that information without verifying it.
Both decisions had consequences.
And neither person's emotional history removes responsibility for those choices. Yet both refuse to take accountability.
Amazing.
Getting Older Is Mandatory. Growing Up Is Apparently Optional.
Depression, childhood trauma, attachment insecurity, and betrayal can complicate relationships.
They deserve understanding. But understanding doesn't mean abandoning common sense.
Being hurt doesn't automatically make us right. Feeling rejected doesn't establish that rejection occurred. And having difficulty accepting responsibility doesn't mean responsibility magically disappears.
I've spent years examining my own reactions and learning to distinguish my feelings from reality.
Was therapy always enjoyable?
Absolutely not. There were sessions when a root canal seemed like a delightful alternative.
But I'd rather experience the temporary discomfort of acknowledging a mistake than spend decades repeating the same behavior and wondering why my relationships keep deteriorating. As well as people believing you are a colossal, arrogant asshole because you think/behave you are always right and everyone else is the problem.
Self-awareness isn't just understanding what happened to you. It's recognizing what your behavior does to other people.
That's where emotional growth actually begins.
Victim mentality is no longer an option.
Honesty Shouldn't Be an Advanced Life Skill
I don't expect perfection from anyone.
People misunderstand things, make mistakes, and occasionally exercise judgment that leaves the rest of us wondering whether adult supervision was available.
I've had my moments. But I do expect honesty, accountability, and some willingness to reconsider assumptions. A friendship shouldn't require surrendering personal boundaries.
Emotional insecurity shouldn't become an excuse for interfering in someone else's relationships. And 20 years of history shouldn't be discarded because nobody bothered to verify a story.
Sometimes the most mature response is simply:
"I misunderstood." "I shouldn't have done that." "I'm sorry."
3 relatively uncomplicated statements. No psychological dissertation required. Just honesty, humility, and a functioning sense of personal responsibility.
You'd think that by middle age, we'd have mastered the basics. Apparently, some people are still waiting for the introductory course to begin.
Final Thoughts: Thank You for Showing Me Who You Are
At 52, I've learned that not every relationship is meant to survive, regardless of how many years we've invested in it. And sometimes, the greatest favor someone can do for you is reveal exactly who they are.
In this particular situation, two people I've known for years ultimately did me an enormous favor. Despite the pain of betrayal and perceived loss of both these individuals in my life.
One demonstrated that my privacy, boundaries, and trust were apparently negotiable. The other demonstrated how quickly years of friendship could be dismissed without the courtesy of a simple conversation. Proving to me that I didn't mean as much to them than I mistakenly assumed. My bad.
Different behaviors. Equally enlightening.
And while the experience was disappointing, it was also remarkably educational.
I've spent years working on my own emotional growth, recognizing unhealthy patterns, and learning what I will and will not tolerate. Apparently, the final examination involved two people I thought I knew.
I certainly didn't request the course, but the lesson was received.
I've learned that longevity doesn't guarantee loyalty, familiarity doesn't guarantee understanding, and someone calling themselves your friend doesn't necessarily mean they're behaving like one.
Fake friendships and frenemies are two things I have absolutely no interest in accommodating at this stage of my life.
I'm no longer willing to sacrifice my peace, compromise my boundaries, or repeatedly explain my integrity to people who have already decided which version of me they prefer to believe.
And while I can appreciate that everyone carries emotional baggage, I'm not running a complimentary luggage-check service. I've been hauling around enough of my own to outfit a 747 🛬🛫
So, to both individuals involved, thank you.
Thank you for demonstrating what I should no longer tolerate, regardless of the history, emotional attachment, or cost of walking away.
Thank you for reminding me that self-respect sometimes means accepting the loss of people we once considered important.
And most importantly, thank you for showing me that losing access to someone isn't always a loss. Sometimes it's the beginning of a much more peaceful life.
I wish you both well.
From a considerable distance that you prefer from me.
Because at this age, my peace is nonnegotiable, my boundaries aren't suggestions, and I'm no longer accepting applications for friendships that require a background investigation and a forensic analysis of text messages.
Lesson learned. Tuition paid. Class dismissed.
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