This post comes at "ironic timing" as I personally did not know that it is Mental Health Awareness Month, hence the irony.
As I have stated before, I have been actively participating in seeing a therapist twice a week and will continue to do so as I have never felt better and of course realize that I still have a long way to go to help undo years of trauma and disordered thinking/reaction patterns.
Just recently I have been diagnosed with ADHD Combined Type which makes complete sense; it was a relief (believe it or not) to finally have a diagnosis to what I have been experiencing my whole life that others around me did not seem to struggle or deal with at all.
While I was relieved and grateful for a diagnosis, which meant that I was not alone in this disorder, I was also faced with feelings of shame as well. Shame for the way I have behaved, Shame for how I treated others as a result. Shame for not recognizing it and getting help sooner.
I am in no way going to take all the blame for how things have played out due to my ADHD, because everyone has "issues" and no one person is perfect. But I'm willing to recognize and own my part in the negative impact(s) that it had caused. Though I'm no longer going to unpack mentally and live in the "victim" mindset or justify my action(s).
It's been a rollercoaster of emotions, but it has also been a relief as I have stated before, getting the diagnosis, getting the appropriate medication, and as always, Therapy.
There is this saying, "Be Kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about."
Enter a good friend of mine.
She just recently shared a TON of information with me that would be like looking both ways to cross a street and getting hit by a plane out of nowhere... It was A LOT, it was a huge surprise, and a huge shock.
She mastered to art of masking and suppressing her feelings in public, but in the privacy in her own home she would inevitably break down. This has been her mental mode for years, yet no one would ever know.
When she finally had enough of feeling like crap, and wanted serious help, I shared with her and persisted on seeking help from my Therapist as I trust her 2000% and have gotten a great deal of help from her myself, and I was positive that she too could help my friend.
And she is. Thank God.
Like me, she's working through her issues and really trying to understand why she thinks the way she thinks, why the way she acts, why the way she feels. She is struggling with something that I don't have too much knowledge on, that being Borderline Personality Disorder.
The loss of a recent relationship is what pushed her over the edge; prompting her to want to get help. She is tired of living in that head of hers and I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT.
Everyone needs to realize that for most people, it is not easy to talk to or have an in-depth discussion about their mental health. The stigmas surrounding it really need to take several seats and die off already. NO ONE is perfect. NO ONE.
I said what I said.
I felt deeply honored that she felt comfortable enough to talk to me about her struggles and her past experiences from childhood all the way up to the present minute. It was a damn eye opener. Lots of times I couldn't stop myself from crying from what she went through and feeling intense empathy.
The part that broke me was how she never felt worthy, prioritized, included, or loved by her family, peers, relationships. I understand that all too well and it explained why she constantly overcompensates for just about everything in her life, putting everyone and everything else on the pedestal instead of herself. Abandonment issues that make mine look like child's play.
For once, I'm glad that mine aren't THAT BAD. In the past they used to be, but either I've largely gotten over them, or I have developed an unhealthy coping mechanism of not getting attached as a result.
I think my answer lies in the latter. That will be the topic of my next therapy session.
As my friend was explaining the daily hell that goes on in her head, I remembered that I had a card that was a "gift with purchase" when I got a
Life Planner to help keep me and my life on track while I was dealing with my mother in hospice. I was a forgetful mess and not only didn't want the many medical appointments to be missed, but also document the last moments I had before I lost my mom for good.
In that order came that little card that meant more to me than the planner itself.
I needed that message. I needed that reminder.
Today, my friend needs that reminder. She needs it more than me, so I am now gifting it to her with a message from me on the backside. Sometimes others need to know that they are not alone and that you are there for them. This is my way of helping to do that in the absence of a phone call or being there in person.
It wasn't something that I was wanting to part with, because it meant a lot that I had gotten that card in a time of deep despair. It also reminded me of having to unlearn the toxicity of not feeling worthy my whole life as a result of being raised by a very dysfunctional parent.
I was gently reminded of a time where something similar happened but with a tiny statue of the Virgin Mary that I found buried in the backyard of a house that we lived in when I was a child. I cherished that statue (think dashboard icon sized) and carried it with me everywhere, held it when I was having times of stress and sadness. My faith and Mary have always brought me comfort. She was my security in a way.
Decades later I found myself parting with her as a close friend had discovered his faith, and needed her more than I did. I struggled with letting her go, sounds stupid but I valued her highly. Begrudgingly I boxed her up and sent her onto her new home hoping she would bring the same feelings to him as she did to me all those years.
I got upset, but my mom & dad let me know that it was an incredible selfless act and that one day I would be rewarded greatly for it. And I was.
One day I came home to a much bigger version of her, but it wasn't just a statue anymore, it was a flower vase. On the back my mom had handwritten a note that she attached with tape over it and that has now become one of my most prized possessions for multiple reasons.
My hope is that this small card holds the same comfort as that Mary did for me.
I'd like to think it was my mom on "the other side" reminding me of this incident and to let the card go to someone who really needs it now.
Some things aren't meant to be held onto forever.
My friend's physician had prescribed an anti-anxiety medication for her to help manage it as needed, and it's good to know that she isn't wanting to abuse the drug. That she is trying to take steps to prevent that. Most people wouldn't.
I have another friend who uses her medications as a convenient excuse and continues to mismanage her health. It's very hard to watch, and I have distanced myself as a result.
I'm very glad that for at least the moment, that is not happening here. I will try to help mitigate that as much as I can, and she will do the same for me in other ways. I am not in need of or taking the same medication as she is, so there is no danger of that happening to me. I'm not a fan of most drugs, and I have addiction in my family (heavily) so I try not to take anything other than my ADHD meds, vitamins, supplements, aspirin, and allergy pills.
I'm boring in that department and I'm fine with it.
My friend's journey is different than mine, and I notice that she hyperfocus's on this past failed relationship that she cannot let go of even though it would do her some good; it was incredibly 1 sided and she is still taking 100% of the blame for it and putting the other person on a pedestal (it's hard to listen to without losing it every time...), obsessing over things, situations, & people that have wronged her and cannot accept and let go of the fact that those things have run their courses in her life; missing the lessons she was to have learned from them.
I was the same exact way. However, any time something bends my nose out of shape, my immediate reaction is, "What is this trying to teach me?" Then I go into intense questioning mode to find the answer(s) to that question. Some days are easier than others, and in no way am I trying to say I am better than she is on this. I had some serious growing up to do before I reached that level of maturity. As well as taking accountability for my actions. That one is a hard one to do even without any kind of disordered thinking.
It's hard to watch good friends and family go through these struggles and not be able to fix them for them... I'm a "fixer", it's what I do. But most of the time, it's ourselves that need the fixing and we subconsciously look for other things or people to fix because it's easier to avoid our own messes.
The best any of us could ever do is to be a listening ear, and if you have the resources, to point them in the direction of professional help while we stand by their side being their biggest cheerleader, encouraging them towards the "finish line" without standing in their way.
I believe that is what I have done here.
and I'm OK with that.
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